The Monthly Theme Essays are a collection of essays written each month on a predetermined theme. These essays are always published during the last week of the month. To submit a Monthly Theme Essay check out our upcoming themes.
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What was her name? I remembered her face. Clear blue eyes, blond hair cropped above her shoulders, that toothy smile. I couldn’t help but return that smile. Sitting at my computer, I tried all the keywords I could think of but could find only her supervisor who worked in the same museum, the man who had joined us on that expedition south. Her name was gone. Only the image of that broad smile remained in my mind.
Read MoreI walk into a bar to meet some friends and you’re sitting at a table with some work colleagues. You see me before I spot you, but when I do, the spark of recognition warms me to my core. You rise like the sun and walk toward me, your blue eyes scanning my face. “Darlin,” you whisper, “it’s so good to see you.” We embrace, holding on a beat longer than a casual hug. After we separate, we stay close enough to kiss, but we don’t, we can’t. Kissing is outside the boundary you set years ago, in another bar, on another night.
Read MorePUP TENT: A-frame, two persons, flap door with ties, 1974.
First, my memory, not Dad's. When I was almost five and my brother was a newborn, we had an army-green canvas tent, a hollow wedge with low sloping sides that felt safe and cozy.
Read MoreAfter checking in with the receptionist at the HR front desk, a glance at the waiting area—consisting of four pleather arm chairs the color of weak coffee, one mini loveseat (a tight fit for two grown adults) and two swivel-back-office chairs situated at computer drop-down terminals—tells me that every place to sit is already occupied.
Read MoreHead bowed, pen in hand, I sit in my sundrenched office, pondering a young staff member’s 2001 performance review. How to suggest a change of attitude in a constructive way? That’s what I’m thinking about when the phone interrupts. I’m not prepared for a life-changing call.
Read MoreI once saw the entirety of my own tragedy pass, in a single moment, through the eyes of an old man. It was at my going away shindig. Our going away shindig–my housemate Scarlett’s and mine. She was leaving to pursue her PhD at my own old stomping grounds in San Diego. And I would travel to Oregon to attempt a second bachelor’s degree in an entirely new subject. So we would leave behind the Lorrain Street house, a slightly derelict semblance of a modest mansion in old Austin, Texas.
Read MoreYou lived at 357 Woodruff Avenue for over fifty years, growing up in your tree-like way, as I did in my human one. I had turned eight when I first saw you, gracing the northeast corner of our backyard, standing tall in front of the wall which divided our large backyard in two. Behind this wall there were fruit trees that gifted us with apricots, oranges, and plums in the summer. You were a maple, so we didn’t get to eat the fruit or seeds you produced, but your many gifts to our family were just as welcomed.
Read MoreWhen I meet her, she’s leaving. An hourglass flips the second we make eye contact. This is the first reading she’s ever attended. I don’t know this yet. She looks at home leaning against the stacks in that Park Slope bookstore, wearing those almost-overalls with her arms loosely crossed. Her nails are short, their black polish chipping. She stands alone, which I like.
Read More“I’m a tax preparer now,” I said, somewhat sheepishly. Being a tax preparer isn’t exactly what anyone dreams of when considering professions, and I am probably more surprised than anyone else that those words consistently come out of my mouth now.
Read MoreIn a recurring nightmare, someone unwelcome, uninvited, and dangerous tries to break into my home. It is always daytime, a shining, exposing sun more sinister than the privacy of darkness. I lock the front door, then slide across the tile floor of the family room in socked feet to lock the back door.
Read MoreWhen Weezie came to pick me up for our road trip to the mountains, six months after her husband Emmanuel was diagnosed, she looked excited. But it felt forced, like a child who no longer believes in Santa but pretends to believe so they may feel the old tingle of anticipation. What I saw was grief.
Read MoreOn a clear late summer afternoon along North Carolina’s Outer Banks, Sandbar slid off its foundation and washed into the Atlantic Ocean, the footage so dramatic, it went viral on social media and made the national news. The house was now called Dolphin’s Point, but for my friends and me, it would always be Sandbar. I thought about how the owners must have felt watching something they loved drift away from them, as they stood helpless, knowing they would never see it again.
Read MoreI asked myself, how do I get into these things? How did I find myself in the middle of a desert, with nothing but a gas station for over a hundred miles, in the searing heat toting a backpack that magically gained weight the further I went?
Read MoreIs it possible to feel the loss of something if you never had it to begin with? I don’t mean desire, because to desire something doesn’t necessarily mean a palpable sense of missing it. I mean, rather, to feel a defined and tangible absence, like that of a phantom limb, but for one never possessed in the first place.
Read MoreThe sun set an hour ago, which means it’s finally below forty degrees Celsius. Normally I embrace the dry heat in Erbil in exchange for the humidity back home in Toronto, but today it leaves my throat dry and hoarse. I shuffle my feet on the dusty tiles outside my house and peer over the metal gate until Emmita’s black SUV pulls up.
Read MoreA jarring racket fills our camper on this untamed night in the Sol Duc watershed of the Olympic National Park. Large pockets of water form on Douglas Fir limbs above, collecting, collecting, collecting until…splat, kerplunk on top of the metal-roofed truck camper. Hundreds such collection systems drop like random rocks.
Read MoreI’m sorry I couldn’t go to your wedding and that my explanation was vague and seemed rude. My doctor wouldn’t let me fly. I couldn’t find the words. I worried that mentioning pregnancy loss would cloud the conversation of your celebration.
Read MoreA woman appearing before you desperately frightened by the usual gesticulations, the kicks and rolls inside of her becoming suddenly still, by the warm trickle down her leg, fluid or blood but too soon, too soon. What if you took her by the hand and walked her to a room much like a bedroom, with bleached sheets and pillow cases, bassinet and muslin blankets, with warm light coming through a southern window but stark for its waxed floors where blood pooled at your feet just last week, now a shadow upon which you sometimes slip for the mercilessness of memory? Merciless because this isn’t the first time and, by the wickedness of fate, it will never be the last.
Read MoreI was twenty-nine. I didn’t know what to feel, or what it would feel like. That first sonogram seemed other-worldly. At every twitch I thought I was feeling the first flutters, but when they began to come with regularity, the realness set in that I was at a different stage of being a woman.
Read MoreMy friend came over and we slowly drank wine and talked—her miscarriage (a couple years earlier), my miscarriage (current), the moments that blindsided each of us in a wash of grief, what the aftermath was like for her and what getting pregnant again was like. I was smack dab in the middle of my experience and found comfort in talking to friends who had been there and who had now had time to assimilate it within a zoomed-out picture of The Rest of Life.
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