whited sepulchres which appear beautiful outward

but are within full of dead men’s bones and of all uncleanness[i]

Arnold touched my breasts when I was fifteen in conjunction with my first kiss, despite the fact that we were both Mormon, and despite God’s law forbidding such tampering outside of marriage. We’d been in Arnold’s basement, on a plush wraparound couch that held us in its arms and invited us to lay our inhibitions on fat pillows.

The following Sunday, his bishop told him to do better.

My bishop wanted to know more. 

What color underwear were you wearing?

Did your nipples get hard? 

Did you have an orgasm?

I was wearing a silky pink shirt the day I went to my bishop, and a padded bra that absorbed my nipples. He looked at me gently, tearfully, benevolently. Uncannily like one of those kitsch figurines on a grandmother’s mantelpiece. Rosy cheeks. Suspenders. Short, grey curls spread sort of perfectly over his head, as if they really had—like a figurine—been painted on him. We were in a small room with scratchy dun carpeting on the walls, and a faint smell of Cheerios.

Bishop cut out my tongue.

Because of my breasts, because they had been my breasts. I am to be disfellowshipped.  Until he deems me worthy, I may not speak in church. I may not voice a prayer or pose a question. Or eat the flesh or sip the blood. Months pass this way, which feel interminable.

If your hand offends you, cut it off.[ii]

They had been my breasts.

In Mormonism, you memorize an important scripture that says:

WHAT I THE LORD HAVE SPOKEN I HAVE SPOKEN WHETHER BY MINE OWN VOICE OR BY THE VOICE OF MY SERVANTS IT IS THE SAME[iii]

Those breasts, they had been my breasts.

This thought tumbles slowly, gradually through my mind, like a stone rolling under waves until it is shaped smooth, and perfect.

Arnold calls me in the months that follow to tell me he has masturbated, and I feel accused.

Thus saith the Lord, through the mouth of his servant, Apostle Dallin H. Oaks.[iv]

The corrupting influence of pornography is sweeping over our society like an avalanche of evil. Breasts. Stained. Breasts. Perverted images across your mind. Breasts. Whited sepulchres. Breasts. Full of dead men’s bones. Breasts. Death. Breasts. Addicted. Breasts. Cocaine doesn’t hold a candle to. Breasts. Some seek to justify their. Breasts. Evil. Breasts. Enemy. Breasts. Encircled about by the everlasting chains of death. Breasts. Don’t defend. Breasts. The addiction which enslaves you. Breasts. Do all that you can to avoid. Breasts. Look away!

AND YOUNG WOMEN PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT IF YOU DRESS IMMODESTLY YOU ARE MAGNIFYING THE PROBLEM BY BECOMING PORNOGRAPHY

I wrap my breasts in a steel cilice until it chokes my breathing. A three-link, 1mm-gauge, full-length metal cilice, handmade by nuns. When I take it off at the end of the day, little red marks pock my breasts. By morning, they are scabs. The next day, tighter. Penetrate me.

Thus saith the Lord, through the mouth of his servant, Apostle Marion G. Romney.[v]

Better dead clean than alive. Breasts. Remember this, my son: we would rather come to this station and take your body off the train in a casket than. Breasts. Garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Breasts. Strong. Breasts. Soul-destroying. Breasts. Some circles. Breasts. Degenerate sex. Breasts. Are condoned. Breasts. At times encouraged. Breasts. Do not be misled by such satanic. Breasts.

My breasts are grazed, copped, nibbled, suckled, bitten, squeezed.

Faced with these—my breasts—how can they help themselves?

Strangled in steel. My cilice is a belt of steel hooks that claw into me. Holes in the belt are spread evenly like fish scales, a hook at each juncture, clawing, carving. When I clasp the belt of hooks, it presses my breasts flat against the ribcage, even with the sternum, stern, unyielding. Nipples poke out from two of the fish-scale holes. Hooks in the areolas pierce deepest, hurt hardest. Nipples poke out, bug out, distend.

I do not wish to wish these things.[vi] 

Over 50 men have handled my breasts, and a few women.

Cocaine doesn’t hold a candle to my bouncy evil death breasts.

Thus saith the Lord, through the mouth of his servant, Prophet Joseph F. Smith.[vii]

ABOVE ALL THINGS SEXUAL IMMORALITY IS MOST HEINOUS IN THE SIGHT OF GOD IT IS ON A PAR WITH MURDER ITSELF AND GOD ALMIGHTY FIXED THE PENALTY OF THE MURDERER AT DEATH

Early cilices were sometimes worn for murder, to atone for murder. Henry wore a cilice to Canterbury, flogged by monks, to atone for the murder of the martyr. Sackcloth and ashes to ashes.

Hooks in the areolas pierce deepest.

I do not wish to wish these things.

When I was fourteen years old, a church patriarch laid his hands upon my head and promised me children, and he sealed up his blessing with a curse.

THIS BLESSING IS PREDICATED ON YOUR FAITHFULNESS RIGHTEOUSNESS AND COMMITMENT[viii]

I have been with my husband for eight years now and off birth control for seven, and in my belly is blood and ash. But when we got our puppy, I cupped him in the palm of my hand and suckled him at my breasts.

He died when he was still young.

A freak reaction when they carved his balls out.

-

[i] Italicized text excerpted from the King James translation of Matthew 23:27

[ii] This is quoting Mormon Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland’s paraphrasing of Matthew 5:30 in his April 2014 speech titled “The Cost—and Blessings—of Discipleship”: https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2014/04/the-cost-and-blessings-of-discipleship?lang=eng / Accessed December 8, 2021

[iii] Bolded text was excerpted from LDS scripture Doctrine and Covenants 1:38: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/1.38?lang=eng&clang=eng#p38 / Accessed November 29, 2021

[iv] Italicized and bolded portions excerpted sequentially from April 2005 speech titled “Pornography,” delivered by Mormon Apostle Dallin H. Oaks: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng / Accessed November 29, 2021

[v] Italicized portions excerpted sequentially from September 1981 address titled “We Believe in Being Chaste,” by Mormon Apostle Marion G. Romney: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1981/09/we-believe-in-being-chaste?lang=eng / Accessed November 29, 2021

[vi] From “Ash Wednesday” by T.S. Eliot

[vii] Bolded portion excerpted from the book titled Gospel Doctrine: Sermons and Writings, President Joseph F. Smith, p. 312

[viii] Excerpted from the patriarchal blessing given to me on July 21, 1998 by a patriarch of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

-Jennifer Renart

Jennifer Renart lives outside of Washington, DC. She studied creative writing at George Mason University, and in addition to writing, she enjoys working on translations and making candles.