We Wish You The Best (After We Regret to Inform You)

October 12, 2007

Dear Aspiring Dancer,

Thank you for auditioning to be in the Nutcracker; we can tell just how far this was out of your comfort zone. We appreciate that when you dance, your arms flail all over the place like palm trees during a Category 5 Hurricane, you maintain a comical lack of flexibility even after four years of attempting to be anything but a human tree branch, and you will not stop talking to your neighbor about the movie Enchanted, no matter how loud we play Tchaikovsky as a sign to tell you to shut up. We are pleased to offer you the role of “Party Boy,” if you would like to accept it. Although we know you’re not a boy, your masculine energy and willful desire to never stay on task inspires us to give you this opportunity, and also to ask your parents to see if they’ve checked with a doctor to see if you have ADHD. And don’t worry, when the time comes to actually perform, we know a hairstyle that will make you look like an ethnic Rachel Maddow.

Best wishes in your future endeavors,

Ballet Palm Beach

April 30, 2009

Dear Nine-Year-Old Bigfoot,

Thank you for your interest in being able to find a pair of shoes literally anywhere. We understand that being able to share shoes with your mom is not the luxury she tries to convince you it is, because she shops at Ann Taylor Loft and you refuse to wear anything that doesn’t say “Abercrombie and Fitch” on it. We encourage you to stop using InPrivate browsing to research “reducing shoe size” and to just accept the fact that maybe you’ll at least end up being tall and someone will approach you in public and ask you to model for them.

Regards,

The mint green Converse that were too good to come in size nine.

PS: You are not gullible because your hand can cover your face. You just have big hands.

July 9, 2011

Dear Incoming Sixth Grader,

We regret to inform you that the dandruff your mother discovered a couple of weeks ago due to excessive scratching is in fact genetic and will require three additional kinds of shampoo in the shower. Though the self-control you possess by avoiding picking at your scalp and making it bleed will do wonders for your social life as a middle-schooler, you will not be invited to any “parties” unless they are of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah sort. But that’s okay; not every eleven- year-old has to be popular. We wish you the best of luck in becoming friends with the “alternative” crowd.

Xoxo,

Your genetics

May 14, 2013

Dear Family Outcast,

Thank you for your query to ostracize yourself from your parents. We know they have forced you to “get ahead of the game” and learn Algebra four months in advance of your eighth grade year, and while we sympathize with the universal pain of putting letters and numbers together, there is nothing we can do to remove you from this situation. Considering your complete and utter lack of mathematical abilities, we do want to commend your many efforts in attempting to get out of yet another year of Alphanumeric Boot Camp, especially since later that summer, you got lice, and thought there was no way that you could simultaneously solve for x and get de-lice-ified. We hope you know that your parents calling math lessons combined with nit-picking “Hairy Math” wasn’t fun for them either, even if you did kindly offer them the opportunity to switch the radio station to The Oldies Channel while they were combing bugs out of your hair. We look forward to seeing you in therapy in four to six years.

Cheers,

Your Buried Childhood Trauma

December 5, 2016

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

Thank you for your application to become the girlfriend of a guy who already has a boyfriend. That’s on you; you thought he was single. And that he might be bi. It must have slipped your mind that attending a high school for the arts means that all four straight guys who aren’t assholes are already dating blonde, leggy dancers. It’s not your fault that this gay guy was taking Multivariable Calculus as a senior, and as a girl with math professor parents, you found that incredibly alluring. That one’s on Freud. Thank you again for your desire to find love. Don’t worry, after obsessively checking your annual horoscope for five years straight hoping for even a pleasurable hook-up, you’ll find someone who has not only passed Calculus, but is also really good at financial auditing. And he’s straight.

Sincerely,

The Gay/Straight Alliance at Dreyfoos School of the Arts

February 28, 2018

Dear Catastrophe Hebrew School Teacher,

Thank you for preaching to a generation of young minds that you don’t think God is real. Additionally, although we realize that Hebrew School can be worse than regular school, that in no way gives you an excuse to show your students which bathroom the administrators never check so they can squat on top of a toilet instead of performing “Oseh Shalom” in front of a bunch of old people for the millionth time. We are also grateful for your commitment to teaching eight-year-olds that the only reason to get bar mitzvahed is because of “the manischewitz wine” and “the after party.” We know these interests will serve you well in college.

Yours truly,

The Youth Education Program at Temple Judea

March 20, 2020

Dear Frequent Zillow User,

We appreciate your interest in apartments located in Greenwich Village in New York City. However, because the response your father gave when you asked him if you had a trust fund was “What’s that?” it is highly unlikely that you will be living there anytime soon unless all of your family dies within the next two to five years and you sell their body parts for money. I know you say it is your dream to live inside of a trash can with a rat as a roommate in the East Village, but I’m not sure you’ll even be able to afford that. We wish you every possible success living with your parents for the foreseeable future. At least they enjoy doing your laundry.

Regards,

A fluctuating post-pandemic economy

May 1, 2021

Dear Prestige Whore,

We are pleased to inform you that after being rejected from eleven colleges, attending the university your high school’s counselor told you to not even consider because it was “way below you” is the best decision you have ever made. Once a proud pessimist because you thought it reflected emotional maturity, you have become one of those people who are in love with every flower petal and every ray of light, every conversation that goes until 2 a.m and every professor who’s gone out of their way to help you succeed. Some days you are so deliriously happy that you worry something horrible is going to happen just to maintain the universe’s karmic balance. But that thought doesn’t strike you as often as it used to. We encourage you to keep finding beauty in everything. It’s served you well.

Sincerely,

A Newborn Epicurean Optimist

-Ruby Rosenthal

Ruby Rosenthal is a 2024 graduate of the Hollins MFA program in Roanoke, VA. Currently based in Chicago, she works as an executive assistant to a novelist and freelances for the Chicago Review of Books and Newcity Magazine.