50 Months of Interfility

50 months of infertility
Never thought I’d see the day
50 months of trying
No baby on the way

50 months of hoping
And 50 months of tears
200 weeks of wishing
That leads to 4+ (plus) years

50 months of testing
One pink line for me
50 months of dwelling
On the mother I won’t be

50 month of scheduling
Baby making is a task
50 months of thinking
How long can this last?

50 month is crying
And 50 months of of self blame
50 months of added stress
Will things ever be the same?

50 months of explaining
Questions of when all the time
50 months of depressing thoughts
So terrible, I could rhyme

50 months of suffering
Avoiding the topic helps the pain
50 months of lingering
Each month, less hope remains

50 months of doubting
And ‘when we’ turns to ‘if’
50 months of baby showers
Myself, I get no gifts

50 months of doctor visits
No reason for the cause
Wishing I could turn back time
I wish I didn’t know our flaws

50 months of seeing babies
Everywhere I look
50 months of research
A cure is in no book

50 months of sadness
And 50 months of dread
50 months of letdowns
I can’t get out of my own head

50 months of heavy feelings
Fearful for the 2 week wait
50 months of knawing impatience
Go figure my period’s late

50 months of a tugging need
A maternal instinct I need to share
Not having kids to fill my house
Is a future I cannot bear

50 months and more to come
Who knows how many more
Infertility has 50 and Mary has zero
But, really, who’s keeping score?

50 months I’m elated, then lost
Delighted, and crushed, and mad
50 months I’m anxious for time
50 months a realization of the bad

50 months, we’ll try again
Trying is the fun part, yeah right
50 months of babylessness
But maybe 51 will be lucky? It might.

-Mary Horsley