At first, they were nothing but trouble.

“I want her to wear a shirt from now on,” my father barked at my mother. He refused to address me now that I had the smallest hint of breast development.

A short time later, as my tops clung to my chest and my flat torso became round and foreign, I felt weird and ugly.

The Charles River Esplanade, a green and flowering oasis in the heart of Boston, is a popular place for cyclists, picnickers, parents pushing strollers, and college kids looking to rent kayaks and sailboats. But on a September Sunday I spent there, the majority of park visitors had a different activity in mind: a 5-mile fundraising walk while wearing lots of pink.

Dear Lisa,

We regret to inform you that you did not end up living in the South of France nor were you accepted to Harvard Law School. We further apologize that you never became the smartest most beautiful girl in the world. We are sorry you never went to the Olympics in skiing and never became a pro tennis player. You never married your soul mate. You never got super rich.

Dear Younger Self,

How could you have known? You came naked into a world that didn’t want you. Born on a kitchen table because your mother didn’t have the money for a hospital. Like everything else in your life, you’ve pretended this is cool when it’s actually pathetic. You have to admit it makes for an interesting story.

My firstborn was a seven pound preemie. He was born at thirty-five and a half weeks, barely qualifying for the moniker. I only use it in air quotes, out of respect for the mothers of what I call real preemies.

When I was little I would lean out the window of our second floor Mexico City home and sing to the stars.  I would make up my little melodies as the evening lingered on with my little brother joining me in my serenade to the “little lights up in the sky.”  

Standing in front of the woman who ran the camp, I was ashamed. “Sorry,” I said, weeping too hard to stop.

“You caved,” one of my eleven-year old bunkmates hissed as we left her office.

“Jellyfish spine,” another said.