Time Heals

He called me. Me. He picked up the phone and dialled my number. Not the favorite daughter who, admittedly, lives farther away, or the “son and hair” as he was known by his flowing locks in the ‘70s, who lives closer.

No. The bane of his life. The thorn in his side. Me.

GriefJulia NusbaumAugust 27, 2018father, death of a parent, grief, Forgiveness Comment

Dear Beth

Dear Past Me,

It’s been what seems like an eternity since I last thought of you. The memories of you terrify me to the point of disbelief. Perhaps, it’s because I’ve told myself it’s nonessential how our life started out, so why dwell on the past?

Dear Past MeJulia NusbaumAugust 3, 2018dear past me, childhood, abuse, love story Comment

Dear Alissa

Dear 2016 Alissa,

To be fair, I didn’t think you’d come this far. I had no idea you would do such stupid things with twenty-three guys. Here is the gold medal for being a slut, a very good one.

Dear Past MeJulia NusbaumAugust 2, 2018dear past me, Self esteem, Finding myself Comments

Dear Kim

June 10, 1993

Dear Girl:

I saw a version of you today. She’s about your age and looks a little like you except she’s skinny and you are a miserable pudge. I bet she’s been living the life you live although you have cut out all the drugs by now. That near arrest scared the fuck out of you so now you have winnowed all your bad habits down to getting drunk every day. This girl slammed her car, going forty, into another car because she was high.

Dear Past MeJulia NusbaumAugust 2, 2018addiction, Recovery, dear past meComment

Dear Holly

Dear Past Me,

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but those aren’t orgasms. You’ll learn this years down the road when you finally get your medication cocktail right, and discover you’re deserving of pleasure. You have a lot of learning to do, and you’ll get there eventually. Trust me, things will start to feel a lot better soon, and you won’t have to fake it anymore, even if, in your heart of hearts, you feel like it’s sincere.

Dear Past MeJulia NusbaumAugust 1, 2018Self esteem, dear past me, self loveComment

Dear Rebecca

Dear Past Self,

I wish I could’ve told you how much it hurts to have your tonsils removed.

Not as much as your cholesteatoma, chicken pox, shingles, or having an IUD inserted, but it would’ve been nice to be prepared to throw up blood constantly for two days.

Dear Past MeJulia NusbaumAugust 1, 2018Resiliency, mistake, dear past me Comment

Dear Lesley

Dear Past Me,

The one sitting by an incubator in the NICU. I see you- I am you. Today was hard. A doctor with a brash attitude blindsided you in a room full of people. She told you to pull the plug- to abandon hope because even if your sick child does manage to pull through- the burden will be too great. Her words- not yours, not mine.

Dear Past MeJulia NusbaumJuly 31, 2018miscarriage, death of a child, family, dear past meComment

Dear Karen

Dear Past Me,

It’s your first day of college sleeping under crisp new sheets in your bed in your dorm room. You’re listening to your roommates breathing softly in the dark, two complete strangers who have been randomly picked to become your best friends, the people whom you are to navigate through this scary change with. You’re questioning the first big decision your mom has not made for you: college.

Dear Past MeJulia NusbaumJuly 31, 2018dear past me, confidence, Finding myself, mother Comment

Dear Eleisha

Dear Past Me,

I’ve never written a Dear Past Me letter before. It never occurred to me. A Future Me letter makes more sense as I can store it away for you, me rather (Argh, confusing!) to read when you’re clearing out the cupboard, or that box under your desk where you put all the papers that have no proper place anywhere else in the house.

Dear Past MeJulia NusbaumJuly 30, 2018inequality, self love, Working women, dear past meComment

I (Almost) Called 911 To Open a Jar

My hubby is stronger than me—I have no doubt about it—but he still likes to prove it to me. Now and then, he closes the lid of a jar tight, tight enough that I can’t open it again. In his defense, he is absent minded, but it still causes me a lot of stress.

Funny Story...Julia NusbaumJune 27, 2018funny story..., marriage, Motherhood Comment

Mr. Taylor

Probably a polar bear was not a good choice
for my first attempt at whittling.
A hamster would have been simpler
and avoided the multiple leg fractures.
“Don’t worry, girl. No problem,” Mr Taylor said,

Funny Story...Julia NusbaumJune 26, 2018School, teacher, poetry, funny story...Comment

My Disability Does Not Define Me

In school, people always assumed I was in a wheelchair because of an accident. And whenever I spoke up, the conversation stopped in its tracks. Like most girls, I had insecurities, but my insecurities are ones I could never hide from. I remember just wanting to fit in like everyone else. Especially when I hit middle school. Up until that point, I had felt like every other kid my age.

Differently AbledJulia NusbaumMay 31, 2018differently abled, disability, Writing, Self esteemComment

Growing up with Cerebral Palsy

My name is Juliana Ruggiero. I’m eighteen and have Spastic Cerebral Palsy. My story begins in 1999. I was a fragile preemie who weighed only 3.10 pounds. My parents were not able to hold me. Instead, I was taken away to the NICU. I was on a breathing machine and closely monitored by a team of doctors until I was stable enough and my lungs were developed enough to function on their own.

Differently AbledJulia NusbaumMay 30, 2018differently abled, disability, Cerebral Palsy, Self esteemComment

Piano Lessons

I learned pain at the bench of the piano.
My shoulders taut with tension, black pulses pushing up the back of my neck,
knotting around my eyes as I sat upright, practiced my scales and arpeggios

Differently AbledJulia NusbaumMay 29, 2018differently abled, chronic pain, disability, confidenceComment

Dear Laura

Dear Laura,

I love you, my friend. I love that I get the chance to call you my friend. The special closeness we have is such a foreign concept to so many, and I will never take it for granted. We have been friends now for eight years. I don't remember what it was like to not have you in my life.

Dear Best FriendJulia NusbaumApril 26, 2018dear best friend, friendship, mom lifeComment

For E

For E,

Can you remember our first time? We barely knew each other. Back then, we didn’t even carpool.

I’ve always hated mom dating - the elusive art of trying to make new parent friends. It is hard enough fully clothed and on land. What was I thinking inviting you to the pool?

Dear Best FriendJulia NusbaumApril 24, 2018dear best friend, friendship, love letter, mom lifeComment

Imperfect Perfection

Ladies wear makeup, party dresses, and shoes.
Like to paint their nails and wear stylish updos.
A life made by having lots of material things,
along with it, the stuff that style surely brings.

Beauty StandardsJulia NusbaumApril 2, 2018beauty standards, Self esteem, Strong women, poetryComment

Center of it All

The other day, I pinched the skin around my navel between my fingers and thumb.

“What are you doing?” my husband asked.

“Channeling self-loathing into my belly,” I replied.

Beauty StandardsJulia NusbaumMarch 31, 2018beauty standards, self love, love yourself Comment

Five Cookies

Fingers curled around the cold edge of the kitchen sink; I hold on with the hope that I can outlast the temptation radiating from a flimsy grocery store cookie box. Inside are five, ordinary, chocolate chip cookies that look more amazing than the ever-loving galaxy. I imagine my teeth sinking into the dough, dividing it cleanly into morsels of flavor washing over my tongue, sending streaks of pleasure up into my brain.

Beauty StandardsJulia NusbaumMarch 30, 2018beauty standards, eating disorder, Self esteem, self loveComment