Breaking Free
The Kingdom Hall was my second home. Sometimes, when my parents’ screaming wouldn’t quiet, it was my first.
I’d run in. The smell of pine trees would greet me. Smiling faces surrounded me, kind hands reached out to me. I never wanted to leave.
As I walk into the Kingdom Hall at age fifteen, I keep my head bowed. The once smiling faces now resemble snarls. Kind touches leave invisible bruises upon my flesh. All I smell as I enter the threshold is cleaning supplies. The smell of pine trees left so long ago I’ve started to wonder if it was ever there at all.
I huddle in one of the worn down purple chairs beside my mom and dad. Mom squeezes my hand as the singing starts. I try to smile back but my lips are more like worms in a bucket.
Snap, snap, goes the hair tie around my wrist. The cuts covered by the long sleeves of my dress sting with each flick.
Two hours later, when the meeting finally comes to a close, I rush to Chloe’s spot at the other side of the Kingdom Hall. I arrive at the same time as Ellian.
Ellian’s doll-like frame is hunched so small she resembles one of the children running up and down the aisles. She hands me a neatly folded piece of paper with my name written in green ink across the top. Another paper is given to Chloe.
“What’s this?” I ask.
Ellian shakes her head. “Just wait until I leave to read it.”
Chloe opens her letter.
Ellian sucks in a breath.
I open mine.
I’m vaguely aware of Ellian walking away.
I’m through the first two lines when Chloe drops her own letter and charges after Ellian.
Brothers and sisters mill around me. I hold the letter gently as if it’s Ellian herself. The words sear into my flesh, but I cannot put it down. It almost feels like a disgrace to let the words she wanted seen to go unread.
The last line comes with a jolt back to reality. I crumble up the letter and shove it into my coat pocket. I search the room. The crowd has started to lose its body.
Ellian and Chloe are nowhere in sight. When asked, Chloe told me, “I remember running into the Kingdom Hall bathroom. Trying to talk some sense into her and reassure her that we loved her.” I don’t make it that far. As I round the aisle I find Ellian’s dad, Tony.
He stands alone by the entrance. For once, that fake smile is not on his face. When he notices my attention, he plasters that mask back on.
“Tony-“
He cuts me off. “Hi, McKenzie, how’s it going?”
“Have you seen Ellian?”
Tony frowns and shakes his head.
Can you just…” I trail off. Should I tell him about the letters? Is that a betrayal to Ellian’s trust? “Can you just keep an eye on Ellian?”
Tony rips off his mask. What’s underneath makes me feel a lot like prey about to be devoured.
“Well honestly, McKenzie,” Tony says, “I only ever see a problem with her when you or Chloe come around.”
My heart sinks. Even when his daughter’s life is on the line, he still can’t see past the Kingdom Hall to help.
The anger that’s built up over the years comes to a tipping point. Before I know it, I’m seething. “This isn’t about, God,” I say.
Tony opens his mouth but stops when I shoot him a glare.
“This is about your daughter.” I spit out the words before he has time to fight back. “I’m here because I’m worried about her. The way she talks about herself… It’s the way my sister used to talk when she was suicidal.”
I clamp my mouth shut. My right-hand clenches around my left wrist. The cuts there are on fire.
A part of me is worried Kelsey will kill me for sharing her personal struggles with one of the people she despises. But, another part, a larger part, is proud to hear my voice.
After a long silence, Tony finally gets out the words, “Thank you, McKenzie. I think I need to be alone now.”
I stand in the back of the Kingdom Hall. I watch the people who used to bring so much love to my life. That love still dances around the crowd, but this time, I see it doesn’t reach everyone, me included. Those who it does reach don’t seem to notice the suffering of the rest. They still smell the pine trees.
How many are like me? Who stopped smelling them a while ago, but pretend for fear of losing everything? To leave the religion meant losing everyone they cared about. Often, they don’t make it. Before, I quaked at the very thought. Now, I want nothing more.
When I leave, Tony is still by the entrance. His body is huddled in a chair, arms folded on top of his knees. He stares into the distance. Not even his wife seems ready to break up whatever thought process races through his skull.
Brothers and Sisters slide on their masks as I walk by. I put on one of my own. Underneath, I am smiling.
In Mom’s car, I curl up on the back seat. Something crumbles at my side. I fish out Ellian’s letter.
Tears sting the tips of my eyes as I reread. They slide down my cheeks as I recall Tony’s words.
Mom opens her door. I shove the letter back into my pocket and swipe at my eyes. When Ellian finally gets out maybe she’ll want to burn it. I’ll give her that choice.
I lean my head back as we pull out of the Kingdom Hall’s parking lot. For the first time in a long time, the smell of pine trees greets me.
For years, I hate to admit, I was just like them. Pretending to be free but never truly doing what I wanted. As I grew, so did my doubts. That freedom I thought I felt wasn’t there because in many ways I was in prison. The oddest part, I fought to stay there. All I wanted was to be accepted by my fellow inmates. As Tony’s hateful words hit me, I knew there was only one way to break free. Even odder, the pine trees never smelt better when outside the Kingdom Hall’s walls.
-McKenzie Staley
McKenzie Staley runs a Youtube Channel for writing under the name McKenzie Staley. She is also a part of Ghost Author's writing team. You can soon find her writing in Horror Tree's Trembling With Fear Feature. McKenzie is from Pinedale, Wyoming and is currently enrolled in Full Sail University's Creative Writing for Entertainment BFA program. McKenzie also interns at her local newspaper.