Falling In Love

I don't think I knew it at the time, but I was desperate for love when she came into my life. I had been with my husband for two years and the marriage was dying. We didn't like or trust each other, and we weren't happy. There was no intimacy in the relationship. I was more valuable to him dead; he'd made that clear. To top it off, he wasn't attracted to me, so we weren't having sex. He was a deeply flawed person carrying around a secret he'd hidden for thirty-five years, knowing that if it got out, it would unravel him and the marriage. I'd often said we loved each other but weren't in love; now I was questioning whether we even loved and respected each other. It was ugly and sad. I was depressed and lonely, felt isolated and unlovable. I wanted and needed someone I could love and trust, who could give those things back to me. Unconditionally.

So, when I met her it was instant - not the love, but the decision to love her. I went in blind and assumed the love feeling from the beginning. I assumed I would eventually fall in love with her, I just knew it. So I started saying it from the beginning. I willed myself into loving her; I didn't give myself any other option. And then I nurtured this assumption and feeling by consistently telling and showing her, even when she didn't return the feeling or the words. In fact, to this day, she's never verbalized her feelings about me to me. But, I still love her.

With my husband, it had become clear what he wanted - anything valuable that belonged to me. He wanted his name on my house. He wanted access to my bank accounts and balances. He was intent to leave and take everything I worked so hard to build, earn, and save. She wasn't like him. With her, I always assumed good intentions. Even when it seemed like the train was coming off the tracks, I would give her grace and assume innocence in her errors. Even in the moments when it felt like she was pissing on everything I was trying to build for us, I forgave and expressed my love for her. 

He could see and sense it happening. I was always with her. I hated to be away from her. Especially in the beginning - late nights I would spend with her, all of them, never even attempting to make it back to the marital bed. Everything was about her and my love for her. I was willing to do anything for her. I cared for her more than anyone or anything. She and I built a strong foundation. We were falling in love, and he knew it. He would finally suggest, in a sort of passive-aggressive manner and for the purpose of hurting me, that it was either her or him. But he must have known the answer. It wasn't even a question, I told him, she's not going anywhere. I love her. Unfortunately, his ultimatum was hollow, and he didn't go anywhere either.

When I was out of town once, my husband spent some time alone with her. Who knows what he said about me to her or the truth behind what happened. He is an expert at lying, but I would eventually find out she was in his truck with him and had jumped out of it while it was moving. He'll never tell me the truth, and she's never spoken of it to me. He claimed it was an accident, and he would never intentionally try to hurt her. I am not so sure. I'd only found out by accident, as he recounted the story to his brother with laughter. That hurt me to my core - that in my absence he had been so careless, reckless and mean. He'd hidden it from me, knowing she wouldn't tell me herself.

I eventually learned of my husband's secret life and desires, and all the lies he had told me. I was devastated and called into question everything I thought to be true about how we met, why we started dating, and what his intentions were for me from the beginning. Everything about this hurt my feelings. I didn't understand how he or anyone could do this to another person. She could never do that to me. My arguments with him were so tense, and she witnessed many of them. She offered her support in the best way she could, really in the only way she knew how. She stood near me, staring him down, letting him know that she was going to protect me by any means, even if it meant attacking him. These were rough, hurtful, and confusing times - but she never wavered in her commitment to me. She stayed with and motivated me. She kept me going and hopeful.

Over the last almost three years, she and I have solidified our relationship and love for each other. She has become my everything and my reason, and I hers. She'll never say any of this, but I am content with her wagging her tail and licking my face. She's my best friend.

-Ashlie Alaman

Growing up, Ashlie Alaman wanted to be a lawyer, a teacher, or a journalist. Discouraged from being a journalist, Ashlie eventually made her way to becoming an award-winning lawyer who focuses on real estate, construction and anything that touches land and who also uses her degree to fight for the rights and protection of immigrants and refugees. Although she has found success as a lawyer, the desire to write (something more than legal documents!) never left her and, conveniently, her life has been filled with unbelievable and extremely writeable situations, happenings, encounters, etc. After several years of reading memoir after memoir, and in an effort to make sense of her own jumbled landscape, Ashlie began writing and is currently working on a collection of personal essays, which includes Falling In Love.