Personal Essays

HerStry publishes one Personal Essay every Wednesday. Weekly Personal Essays are a way for writers to tell the stories they want to tell. There are no rules. No themes. Nothing is off limits. For essay submissions check out our guidelines.

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The Dress: Revisited

The Dress: Revisited

My family and I don't always see eye-to-eye, and I don't think we're unique in that. I have the variety of family members that regularly go to church but stay out of politics and social issues in the public space, and I also have family members that never talk about their church community but sure as hell talk about the lack of God in this county. (And by "talk about," I mean that they share memes, quotes, and articles that are kitschy clickbait at their best and downright lies at their worst.)

True StoriesJulia NusbaumFebruary 16, 2016feminism, Storytelling, the dress, neuroscienceComment

The "I" Word

The "I" Word

“It’s because you took birth control,” said my husband’s good friend.
“It’s because you have bitterness in your heart,” said the founder of a women’s magazine.
“It’s because your daughter needs you more,” said a well-meaning acquaintance.
“It’s because I’m not a good enough mother,” said my inner voice.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumFebruary 10, 2016feminism, Storytelling, infertility, miscarriage, pregnancyComment

The Luxury of Being Able to Serve

The Luxury of Being Able to Serve

I wake up each morning with the luxury of a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, and a shower with warm water. I walk to campus, where I take classes in the departments of English and Women and Gender Studies. I have the good fortune to be studying what I am passionate about, instead of working for a degree that I hate but one that will earn me the most money down the road.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumFebruary 3, 2016feminism, Storytelling, serving, missionComment

Our Mothers' Filters

Our Mothers' Filters

The last time I saw my mother, I received the gift of some powerful clarity about something, and it's something I need reminding of every day.

She saw herself, and thus this world and me, through a filter where all she saw was weight. It truly was ALL SHE SAW when she looked at me. Or at anyone.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumJanuary 20, 2016feminism, Storytelling, mother, weight, self loveComment

The Hard Answer

The Hard Answer

Once a year at the place I work we have this training. It starts off like most trainings you’d have at your work. Everyone comes together, complaining that they have better things to do than be here at this. You find your friends and sit together and talk about your day so far. We have an expert come in and talk to us, and then we do some group work on the topic and call it a day. It’s a workplace training that myself and the people I work with are used to. It’s a training for what to do if there an active shooter in my building. My building is an elementary school that is filled with 800 children everyday. The active shooter training is the one we dread the most. We are educators, not police or military. We are experts in reading, and math, not barricading and disarming. Yet, there we are. Learning how to do those very things from some very brave police officers.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumJanuary 13, 2016feminism, Storytelling, active shooter, training, elementary school, teacher Comment

Use Your Voice

Use Your Voice

This morning, I happened to wake up right when the sun was rising. I slid out of bed, dragged a plastic chair out onto the balcony of my new apartment, and sat and watched the sky fill with light. The crows that hide out on Vanderbilt University’s campus flew past Kirkland Tower and over the buildings of West End. I’ve noticed that these birds are creatures of habit during the time I’ve spent as a student at Vandy. I’ve noticed that they fly the same path in the early morning and again around 5 o’clock. It’s hypnotizing to watch the flock of birds go together, owning the sky.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumDecember 30, 2015feminism, Storytelling, tattooComment

In This Moment

In This Moment

“When was the last time you remember feeling good?” I stared at the words on the questionnaire, my clusterfuck thoughts couldn’t show an example. I continued through the survey answering with ease, describing symptom after symptom of the problems doctors couldn’t fix. This questionnaire was my last hope.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumDecember 9, 2015feminism, Storytelling, nutrition, healthComment

(Untitled)

(Untitled)

I started dating a guy. He wasn't really good for me, but he wasn't really bad for me either. We were more like friends that happened to be dating, rather than actually in love. We slept together. After a while I panicked that I might be pregnant. It would have been horrible to be pregnant; because I don't know how to raise a child and I don't want to be a mother. And besides that, I like being able to do what I want when I want.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumDecember 2, 2015feminism, Storytelling, sex, abortion, painComment

The Worst Relationship I Ever Had...was with Food

The Worst Relationship I Ever Had...was with Food

I still remember the first time that I became aware of my arms.

I was reading a fashion magazine and an actress was quoted saying that of all her body parts, she was most concerned about her arms and keeping them in shape. It was the first time I realized that arms COULDN’T be in shape, and I wondered how mine fell on the spectrum. I felt disappointed and concerned, wondering if there were other parts of my body that I’d essentially neglected to stress about. I hoped that I’d never find out.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumOctober 28, 2015feminism, Storytelling, body image, self love Comment

The In-Between

The In-Between

I live in a place I like to call the inbetween. I imagine this island, small enough to walk across it in a day. There's a beautiful lake at the center with a small waterfall. It's never too hot or too cold. Sometimes someone is there with me, but mostly I'm alone. This is my island of inbetween.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumOctober 21, 2015feminism, Storytelling, life and death, cancerComment

Advice to Myself on My 27th Birthday

Advice to Myself on My 27th Birthday

In August of 1915 my great grandmother was turning 27. She was married, living on a farm in Kansas, and had somewhere around four children (she would go on to have thirteen children when all was said and done). In October of 2015, one hundred years later, I am truing 27. Sometimes I think about my great grandmother’s life, how one hundred years and two month separate us. What kind of thoughts was she having on her birthday in 1915? Was she fulfilled with life? Was she happy? Did she wish she had done things differently—perhaps ended up somewhere else, with someone else? I think of her often, living a parallel life to my own one hundred years apart. And I’m thinking of her this week, as I turn 27 and examine my life so far.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumOctober 14, 2015Storytelling, feminism, advice Comment

Just Like a Tattoo

Just Like a Tattoo

How does one define their life? How do you sum up everything that has happened in the last 20+ years? A friend told me that the best stories are about overcoming obstacles, how one deals with loss and love, and finding the silver linings. I believe that my body art tells my story. I’m proud to say that when I chose to decorate my body with tattoos, I chose from my past experiences to show things that are important to me. Things that have shaped my life.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumOctober 7, 2015feminism, Storytelling, tattoos, pregnancy, griefComment

Anger as Resistance: Owning the Past and Healing in My Anger

Anger as Resistance: Owning the Past and Healing in My Anger

I’m mad.

And whenever I say that, the responses vary from concern for my general well-being/mental health to tone-policing and virtue-beating about how I “shouldn’t be mad.” Because apparently young, intelligent women like myself shouldn’t be angry?

True StoriesJulia NusbaumSeptember 30, 2015feminism, Storytelling, anger, micro-agressionsComment

I am Afraid of Water

I am Afraid of Water

I am afraid of the water.

And, yet, I find it fascinating.

When I was young, I almost drowned. Twice. But I loved summers spent at our community pool.

I love to sit beside the water listening to the waves wash upon the shore.

Any shore is fine by me.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumSeptember 23, 2015Storytelling, feminism, water, fear Comment

Untold Stories Project

Untold Stories Project

“Are you serious?” I implored. We were sitting curled among each other on the couch, familiarity breeding comfort. I’d always had a hard time staying warm during winter, and that day in March I was hoping for some contact warmth.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumSeptember 16, 2015untold stories, Storytelling, oral history Comment

Just Saying Goodbye: Reflections on a Farm House

Just Saying Goodbye: Reflections on a Farm House

My grandfather died in early December of 2013. He had dementia, and it wasn’t wholly unexpected. He died on the farm. He always said that was where he wanted to die, always refusing to move--even when my dad and his sisters insisted. He loved the land more than anyone I know. For so many farmers working the land has become just another way to make money, there is nothing spiritual left in it. But for my grandfather, I think working the land, standing in a field of corn, held something holy.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumSeptember 2, 2015feminism, Storytelling, death, farm Comments

Caught in a Fog

Caught in a Fog

I was caught in a fog of subtle depravity.

That is how I would describe my first years living in Guatemala. It is terrifying what one believes to be truth and noble when done in God’s name. Evil has no boundaries.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumAugust 26, 2015feminism, Storytelling, Christian, missionaryComment

Becoming a Familiar Stranger

Becoming a Familiar Stranger

There are a thousand previous versions of myself. They are not so different from one another, some a little sassier or little quieter, a little more doubtful or a little more confident. For most of my life they have bled into one another, and it is only later I can look back and see the change.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumAugust 19, 2015feminism, Storytelling, deathComment

Living a Lost Year

Living a Lost Year

This July I became older than my older brother. It’s odd now that I’m older than him I don’t feel any more grown up than when I was younger than him. That has made me really look at my life and what I’ve done, what I want to do, and what I’m scared to do.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumAugust 12, 2015feminism, Storytelling, death, familyComment

Not Just a Survivor

Not Just a Survivor

I am a survivor of abuse and rape. I don’t ignore that reality, and I’ll never forget it. I take medicine for PTSD daily and am a client of the campus counseling center where I can get free therapy. But it’s also not my whole story. I am also a wife, a PhD student, a friend, and a daughter-in-law; but most importantly, I am a child of a loving God.

True StoriesJulia NusbaumAugust 5, 2015feminism, Storytelling, sexual violence, abuse, rape, panic attackComment